#metoo

You can’t argue with the wind, shrugged the ferryman, as he posted the “Ferry Not Running” sign. Well, I guess you can, he smiled, but you’re gonna lose.

So Jim and I didn’t go to Iona. The remnants of the hurricane winds which had devastated the Caribbean roared through the North Atlantic, pushing record swells onto the west coast of Scotland, and closed down the ferries that run between Oban and Mull and Iona. For four days in a row. You can’t argue with the wind. No ferries. No Iona.

 

My 12-step friends tell me that one of the keys to the whole and healthy life most of us want is knowing when to argue with the wind and when to go with it, knowing and changing what you can change and knowing and accepting what you can’t. As my Facebook feed fills up with women posting #metoo, I am coming to realize that I have over the years accepted as unchangeable attitudes, biases, and behaviors which can be changed, which have to be changed.

I wanted to get a job, you see, to get ahead, to live into my call. And I was strong and smart. I had people who believed in me. I could handle it. Arguing with the wind seemed a fight I was destined to lose. People can be mean, sometimes vicious, violent, and cruel. Why not just work harder to be better than the abuser and move on?

My 12-step friends tell me that accepting what you can’t change and changing what you can is a big part of living a healthy and whole life. They also tell me that the trick is discerning the difference. I was wrong in acting as if the harassment and abuse I experience(d) was my problem, primarily about me, and something that I had to live with. It’s not. I’ve come to see that. It’s systemic, it’s widespread, it’s extraordinarily damaging and painful. And it can be changed.

So here’s my #metoo.

And my prayers for my sisters—and my brothers.

And my promise to do what I can to change what I can.